Friday, September 29, 2017

Places we carry


The air was heavy with unfallen rain, and my jersey was dirty and drenched in sweat. The family in the car parked across from mine said their goodbyes in Spanish. I was tired and satisfied from running hard and playing hard. As I drove home I suddenly realized I had to turn off the music and drive in silence. It hadn't happened in a while but it came over me so quickly. I missed Ecuador.

I had flashbacks to soccer during rainy season. To walking home in cleats and shin guards to eat my weight in a late dinner. To tin roofs and high walls. To a sun that shines closer and a world that moves slower. To rich, warm coffee and people with dark hair and dark eyes. 

And I had this distinct awareness that I carry this inside of me. When I walked by the display for the upcoming Latino Heritage Celebration at the school I coach at, I looked for my flags. My flags. When people speak Spanish there is a place inside of me that feels warm and comforted. When the other coaches are yelling "goal" I realize that I am yelling "gól". When I say my name to myself in my head it is in Spanish. 

I don't usually miss Ecuador because the memories and people that make that place to me are gone or have changed. But that place is a part of me. Those mountains, now etched into my skin, have been etched into my heart for a lifetime. It can be uncomfortable to carry around though. 

Yesterday, when it hit me, I drove home in silence, trying to learn how to sit in that moment and allow that part of me to actually be a part of me. I let myself miss those places and moments. I don't know if I did it well. Did I stay too long? Did I let go too quickly? I'm not sure. I'm still learning how to balance this world and the ones I have left. 

I hope I can go back to Ecuador one day and see my mountains, smell the rain, breathe the thin air. 

What places do you carry in you?