I mentioned in my last (and also first)
post that TCKs are masters at blending in and that they often can look, sound, and act in sync with the culture around them. This is one of those really cool traits that all TCKs tend to hold. Like a chameleon, they can change to fit the culture around them. But how much of the culture are they really picking up and how much does it affect them? The best way to explain this is through a very cool graphic I found:
The above graphic is one I borrowed from another TCK blog called
Notes From the Tarmac, but is featured in our handy-dandy
TCK book and was originally founded by Dr. Kohls (whose studies on American Culture and Values you can find
here). Dr. Kohls' graphic shows us that Culture has two parts. The top part, as illustrated by the top of an iceberg, (or the most obvious and visible part of culture) is made up of behavior, words, customs, and traditions. These are all parts of culture that are taught, or easily discovered. The bottom half, illustrated as the part of the iceberg that is underwater, (or the hidden part) includes beliefs, values, assumptions, and thought processes. Those are the more unspoken parts of culture, the pieces that are passed on unknowingly, and the parts that an outsider would not be able to easily uncover. If you travel to a new culture on vacation, you will likely learn or notice the surface culture, but you are very unlikely to understand the inner workings, where their values and assumptions lie.
TCKs have a marvelous ability to quickly ascertain the surface culture of any place, however, they tend to only pick up on pieces of the deep culture of every place.
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| TCKs keep an eye out for cultural cues |
If you've ever seen a TCK enter a new situation, or as a TCK, maybe you've found yourself doing this without even realizing it, often they will stand back and assess before jumping in. What are they assessing? Who has the power, what is the acceptable social behavior, how are people acting and reacting to each other, how do they speak? Those are all parts of surface culture. And then after assessing those things they jump in as assimilated as they can be, changing their "skin" to fit what is around them. But, those unspoken things, the deep culture, will pop up without warning and suddenly they find themselves at a loss. What seemed like a simple tradition might hold a deeper meaning. A simple action might have very different motivation than it seems it has. Sayings and gestures may be deeply rooted in an unseen value. Disregarding or not paying enough attention to something rooted in deep culture may bring unanticipated consequences. What do I mean by this? Let me give you an example.
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| This is my very fitting fake tattoo |
I am married to a Non-TCK, and we have some really interesting conversations because our values sometimes clash. For example: Time is one of those values that we hold at different degrees. I grew up in South America where time is a rather, how shall I say it, fluid idea. My husband grew up in the US of A where being on time is a very valued part of culture. What does this mean for our real lives? It means when I am running late it doesn't bother me very much. You know who it does bother? My husband. Poor guy. Luckily, he has adopted the "fashionably late" phrase as a coping mechanism to help him deal with my lack of punctuality. The first time we dealt with this he insisted that I was being rude and that everyone knows that being late is rude. In the United States this is a very true statement. But in many cultures showing up on time can be rude because no one will be ready for you. Does that mean that we can't connect on very deep levels and understand each other? Sometimes. But usually we do just fine and understand each other just fine too. And thanks to him I have learned to adapt in cultures where punctuality is a strong value and I am more punctual now. Sometimes I might even be early though I try not to make a habit of it.
It is things like that that lead a TCK to sit on the sidelines before jumping into a culture. Without knowing they might offend someone, and often TCKs do not have time to waste when making friends.
Parents, this is something to be aware of. I have heard parents baffled because after a move to a new location an overtly social child will suddenly become quiet and seemingly anti-social. On a quick trip home the kid might never really show their true colors because they don't feel comfortable with the culture they have been inserted into. Also, there may be a part of your culture that is very special to you that you have not passed on to your child, a value that you didn't realize you held, and it may be frustrating when your child does not respond the same way that you do, even though you raised them. That is okay. Celebrate the fact that your child is learning and absorbing many cultures around them in many ways.
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| A TCK can find common ground with almost anyone |
And TCKs, it's okay to step back and take it in. While you may not always be able to fully understand the deep culture of the people around you, you have an incredible ability to relate to them quickly on what you do know. And even better is that, thrown into any culture, you will be able to adapt. And even better than that better part I just mentioned is that, although you may not understand each deep culture fully, it doesn't mean you don't learn some of them, and you will share many of them with other TCKs.
Not being able to always ascertain or share the deep culture of loved ones is one of those facts that can make a TCK feel alone. You aren't alone. Other TCKs are in the same situation as you. This is where websites like,
TCKWorld and
TCKid are wonderful tools to help you connect with other TCKs.
But if you just need some quick help on what to do or not do in certain cultures check out
this book by Robert E. Axtell on just that, or his book for
business and vacation travelers or on
international body language. They may come in handy for when the time comes and you are considering giving a clock as a gift or explaining someone's height in another culture, plus they will save you some stand-back-and-watch time and keep you from alienating some would-be friends.
Have you ever had a moment where you didn't share a value with someone who is close to you? Or a moment where you felt you adjusted to a culture really well? Share them in the comments below!
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