We're the same, but not

One of the biggest things I have struggled with as a TCK is outside perception. I had run into it many times before but it hit me hardest in university. Not only was I different, but my circumstances were different too, only from the outside I seemed the same. I was living with two dorm siblings I had essentially grown up with who were now adults. One was attending the university I was headed to, and so it made sense that when he got there, that I would go too. He was going early for a men's choral group, and because I wanted to see what college was like without being glued into a group, I was there a week before orientation and with no good reason aside from that I needed a ride.

Sitting alone outside of the dorms in college

I ventured out of my lonely dorm room and found people one day. I remember it vividly, I was standing in a circle of girls, all who were, for all intents and purposes, the same as me. We were all young females starting a new chapter known as college. It began with names. My name is still a struggle for some so the quizzical looks were not a shock. What happened next was.

Where are you from?

We all hate this question and I had anticipated it by deciding on an answer I felt would give the most information about me without having to give the full list. When each girl said where she was from others would chime in acknowledging any contact they had with the place. Most cities were California based, since that was where the University was located, but unrecognizable to me, others were from other states. When it got to me I proudly announced: "Ecuador." Silence. Then like a collective waking from a trance they all moved on without comment.

Why are you here early? Soccer, Choir... etc. Each answer brought squeals from others who were doing the same. I felt the doom approaching.

"My friend goes to school here, he gave me a ride."

It didn't explain everything fully but it was the best I could do without explaining boarding school, and my parent's work, why I chose a school so far from family, etc. I don't know if what happened next was on purpose or if it was instinctive to the female human being in a group of like others, but seamlessly they moved around me, in front of me, and closed me out of the circle. I was shunned.

My theory on the phenomenon of the closed circle is part unrelatableness and part surprise. Unrelatableness isn't technically a word, but the concept is real.

What did those girls see? They saw what I saw: that we were all a bunch of american girls going to college who had arrived early. We were all the same! Only, we weren't. I had experiences to draw off of to relate to them, I had been to places some where from, I knew how to say their names. But none of them had been to Ecuador, and none of them could comprehend why I would be there early, the only reason being that I needed a ride. Where were my parents that they couldn't bring me? Why wasn't I joining the choral group or soccer when I was avidly involved in both of those all four years of high school? And if I was from Ecuador why did I look like a white girl? Where is Ecuador exactly (people would ask me that later)?

All of these are valid questions but combined lead to something along the lines of: information overload, does not compute.

TCKs find this anomaly often, in both their passport country and their host country. The perception from the outside is at odds with what is on the inside. My little brother suggested I construct some infographics for this blog so here we go:

A collegiate Maia amongst other collegiate females was the enactment of the Hidden Immigrant. You could see how that would be a surprise for everyone. TCKs in their host country often bring a similar surprise when they display the Adopted pattern. They look different, they are expected to be a Foreigner, like a tourist, but instead they share the same thought process as the people they look nothing like. 

When we lived in Egypt we were constantly explaining that we actually LIVED there, that we weren't some tourist passing through. In Ecuador people were astounded when a herd of white dorm kids would flow through the mall food court speaking perfectly accented Spanish. We were like them in all but looks. As one friend of mine states bluntly to me often: "Your Ecuador is showing."

When I travel on vacation I find myself fighting to be anything but the Foreigner, or at least not so easily identified as such. But put me in a room full of TCKs and it becomes evident that we share a culture, and sometimes we even look alike. Justin Timberlake, you said it, it's like they're my mirror. 

Perceptions can cause a lot of anxiety and hurt, but if we take the time to ask those questions that would cause the "does not compute" rather than lead to "abort system" to end in some great discussion and, often, friendship. 

Just remember that everyone has a story, and it takes time to share it. 

When you feel different, it means that someone else feels different from you too.  Knowing why you feel that way can help you find ways to connect with those around you. These relational patterns can show up anywhere. Think about family dynamics, teacher/student dynamics, even marital dynamics. 

Where have you seen these relational patterns appear in your own life?